Today I realised...

I was speaking to my good friend John and Ben today, and I realised certain things about my latest relationship and myself in relationships.

I have already decided long ago the kind of person/lover/friend/partner I will be to the person who I choose to be with. I am an idealist and an optimist, and I will always do my very best to be the best person I can be to my other half.

I have a very clear idea about how I want to live my life and how I want to love my partner, and I will never compromise those values, morals and ethics I hold dear to my very being.

Without these things, I won't ever be the same person everyone knows and loves me for, and even though it may hurt, even though it may be difficult, I will never stop trying and pushing forward in being the kind of lover I envision myself to be.

My friend Alex was right, I need to find back my focus, and start doing things for myself again. No matter what happens, at the end of the day, the most important thing is to be true to myself and to live for myself. Whoever is attracted to me, loves me and wants to be with me, will have to know that they fell in love with those exact things. Without those things, nothing would have happened anyways, so there's no way in hell that I would apologise for being those things.

Just last Saturday, I saw my ex, and it was a terrible terrible moment because I realised that things were no longer going to be the same again. There would be no chance to 'just be friends' or be open to possibilities of what could be in the future. Things were already different and I doubt my ex's mind would change anytime soon. I don't have the time to mope or feel upset, because I have already been doing that for the past two months.

I can only conclude that if my ex wants me back, my ex is going to have to work extra hard to even begin to convince me that it is going to be worth it.

I am not going to sorry about how I love, because no matter how I look at things, I have loved in a way that most people can only dream of. I say this not out of pride, or spite, but of a simple acknowledgement of how I have assessed and reassessed, over and over again, our past few months together. I honestly don't know how I will ever find a connection like ours again, but I just know that things won't ever be the same again.

It saddens me, but there's nothing else left for me to do. I wish things could have been different.

Sorry if I have been incoherent or rambly, but I just needed to type all this out. There's probably more, but I don't really have the words to properly express everything, nor do I want it all out here in full detail.