It's been a long while since I've blogged about anything, but tonight seems to be the time to really do some journalling to help clear my mind a little.
I just realised that the current state of my romantic relationships really sucks, and that I feel so stuck. I feel like I've hit a glass ceiling amongst all the potential people I have in my life. I can see the various possibilities ahead, but there is no way I can actually move ahead in anyway. This seriously is the story of my life, and I just feel so trapped.
I feel stupid, dumb, useless and totally not in control. I wish there was a way I could just be able to be happy for once and not have to worry about this or that. Why can't things be easier for me? Why can't I find someone who can really make me happy? Why is it that I STILL have to suffer through all this nonsense despite all the training and 'consciousness' I have? Why do I always build such amazing connections, but they all cease and desist at a certain point?
I still feel like I am still always and only 'the best friend'. I'm quite tired of that. Honestly, but I have no idea how to break free of this trap. It's at time like these when I wish I didn't get so close to certain people. Or that I don't have certain feelings for certain people. I don't get why I have to still be so controlled by these emotions and thoughts.
Aren't I supposed to be the more 'evolved' one? The one who is supposedly more in control? Bullshit sia... Life sucks...
I hope I can get through this. Cos it feels like I'm about to hit a brink of some kind of breakdown again. The pain is building up. I can sense it coming... if it's not already here.
