Okay...I will finally post what I said I would 2 posts ago. My journal entries from TCC, here goes!
Day1
A Letter to Myself
I am stopped by the main need to always have to "get something" out of whatever I do. I must always be able to see the end product before I commit myself to any undertaking. Whether or not there actually is a good result/product is secondary, I MUST be able to see it, if not I won't do it. In this way, I am rarely fair to myself or the undertaking.
I am also stopped by my need to please/not disappoint others. If I meet with an issue that would compromise my image of myself in the views of my superiors/peers/loved ones etc., I would not do it. Or if I THINK it would do that, I would not do it. When it comes to these kinds of situations, I never think about what I want to do, but rather, what others will think of me.
I have learnt that I have constructed an excellent mask, that, in tandem with my strengths/weaknesses, allows me to function perfectly/flawlessly in my area of work. It is so effective, that I am almost tempted to live in it permanently, to not even acknowledge it as a mask and forever graft it into my face. If I likened my life to a cupboard, and if I made the conscious decision to hang up the mask, I could not do that. At least, not until I clear out all the skeletons hanging there; which is why I have to leave the mask on. These skeletons would ber the shit I have accumulated over the years. Fears, many fears...of rejection, of solitude namely.
Everyday, you would have to strap on a happy mask and listen to people come and tell you about their problems. You try to listen to all the people coming to you, but it is endless. You just cannot complete it. You cannot tell them to leave cos' you're wearing the mask, it's part of the deal. You'll have to be perpetually cheery and responsible. Basically a "goody-two-shoes" and a "yes" man. It's stifling when you actually feel frustrated with work and yet have to act like all is okay.
There is a good side to this. When you actually manage to help people, or you see that they have benefitted from you listening to them, it does make you feel good. There are days when you question why you do this, but then you quickly set it aside and return to the comfort of the mask and its talents.
I have managed to see, very clearly, on of my biggest knots/POS(pieces of shit) within myself, and at least now, I've come to acknowledge its magnitude. I've always recognised it's presence, but not it's sheer size! And it's scary.
-End-
That was my first journal entry...two more to go...watch for them!!! ^_^
1 comment:
Did you do Shakespear's Much Ado About Nothing? Well I do feel what you have said and in the asian society we grew up in, it is important not to 'lose face'.
I feel however, that masks are important in one's life. It is a layer, an abstraction if you must of the person behind the mask. It is a form of interface that we choose to interact with people. Without which, the firewall between them and the real fragile soul behind the mask would be lose and the inner most personal thoughts and feelings revealed.
It is when one chooses to have multiple masks spun within a web of lies and trickery that one has to be careful. Living in a country that has the world's must poisonous spider, I am often surprised that when I glaze out my window, when the sun and winds conspire, I see the faint glimmer of a strand of thread that a spider has wooven and wonder if it somehow leads to my demise. Such intricity, such fragality.
I wonder if anoybody, even my friends and family truly know me. What would my mum think of me if she could she read my blog, if she could and would she like what she read. But then again, blogs are another abstraction of one's thoughts.
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