Unhappy

"...you're such a solid presence..."

I am?

Recently, I haven't been feeling really solid. It's really hard...I think I finally understand how it's like to be one tiny person, carrying a facade meant for 100 people. I usually can do it, and I think I do it pretty well, but now, I just feel as if everything is sliding away from me. It really sucks...

I'm feeling small, but it feels as if I need to be bigger...bigger for everyone, bigger for myself. And the worse part is, I know it's totally just a personal issue, and no one is really needing me to carry anything for them. I just hate that people have to see me like this...and even when I do allow them to see me in this state, I know they may not fully understand, or I know that I do not want to burden them by making them worry about me...

I was up at my favourite/secret spot just now...it has been such a long time since I've been up there. Really peaceful and serene, but when I tried to calm myself down, it was really difficult. The cool night air was blowing all around me, cooling me down from my evening run, and the sight of city lights was beautiful as always. Yet, I could not tame the turmoil that lurched around inside.

I then tried to flow with it, but that didn't really work either.

I am feeling slightly lost...

Where is my sky...where is my strength...where is my...everything...

Argh...